It’s been a while since I posted last as I’m really not sure what to post next and I’m still not sure where this post is going as I write this, so hopefully there will at least be some direction to it and not just random thoughts. After my father passed away I felt a HUGE void. My life changed so much in just a week’s time between leaving my career and loosing my father that I was seriously struggling, mentally and spiritually, which led to some physical decline as well. There were days in early February where I was just “sick and tired” of being “sick and tired”. I had lost purpose in my life. Then God began to intervene, I started having gut feelings to start this blog as a way to “help other people” (or so I thought, it’s only now after doing it for two months that I think it was really meant to help Me!) I didn’t do it right away as I was also starting pulmonary rehab around the same time. But I prayed about it occasionally just to make sure it wasn’t my idea. Around the end of February I also started getting gut feelings that I needed to get back to church AND some dark thoughts as well. I think I’ve mentioned those already, about having compelling feelings about getting my story down. Well, that’s because I was having recurring thoughts that I wasn’t going to pull through this much longer, (Having a serious health condition is brutal to your mind and spirit sometimes). I also didn’t want to ignore the thoughts (just in case).
I began listening to a local pastor on YouTube the first week of March. The sermon was about “the faith of a mustard seed”. Matthew 17:14-23. I won’t get in to the message but it spoke to me. That first week of March I also applied for social security disability because I know it takes months to get approved, IF you even get approved the first time. I remember the day because it was my mother’s birthday, March 2nd. Well, after I finished applying, I needed to print the packet along with some of the medical records so that I could get it mailed. Well, this was the first time I’ve had to use the printer with the new laptop that I have . It didn’t go smoothly as the laptop wasn’t communicating with the printer. I tried several things and was just getting more and more frustrated because I just wanted to GET THIS DONE! Somehow, in my goggle searching I came across a website where I could download some programs to link them together. I have absolutely NO IDEA what I’m doing and At one point, I yelled out, “OK God, If you will get this to work I will go to church on Sunday!” The programs needed to download and reboot and by this time I was completely frustrated so I decided it was a good time to just walk away and I believe we went grocery shopping. I don’t really remember but I know we actually left the apartment. When we returned my middle one was home by this time and I figured maybe if what I did didn’t work maybe she would be able to help me figure it out. But low and behold it worked! The laptop synced up to the printer and I was able to print everything I needed. I threw up a ‘thank you’ prayer and remembered the last words I had said, “OK God, if you get this to work I will go to church on Sunday. And I did!
I posted on FaceBook from the parking lot of the church March 8th and made some kind of statement about I’m here to receive whatever message you have for me – because apparently God is on FaceBook, haha. But the message I was expecting was not what I got. That day the sermon was titled “Death and Taxes” – yeah, like the famous quote by Ben Franklin about “in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” I had already started my blog at this point but I had not made it “viewable to the public” yet. Because I was having those dark thoughts about dying and then after going to church for the first time in about 20 years and the sermon being about death I knew I needed to just do it. Still I hesitated for two days and you can go back and read what finally prompted me to do so. Little did I know then that God would take that post and use it to get me back! I won’t go in to detail as it is very personal and God’s work in progress but He used what I thought was meant for “helping others” to “help me”. He truly does work in mysterious ways and now I believe that my feelings of my death weren’t my physical death but my spiritual death. I was asking for healing but NOT living a life for Him. I was searching but not really opening my eyes to what He was showing me. I was talking a good talk but that was it, I was spiritually dying and was in need of new life! I have gone to church now every Sunday except for one. I have bought myself a new study Bible and I read it daily, sometimes 2-3 times a day. I’ve pulled out my keyboard and am re-learning all the hymns my mom and I used to sing together. I’m texting and sharing verses with my family because He just keeps showing up now – EVERYWHERE!
As far as physically, I’m also doing much better. I returned to the Cleveland Clinic on April 15th. My echocardiogram showed stability in my pulmonary hypertension so the medications are working, my lung function tests were the same and my yearly CT scan of my lungs showed NO PROGRESSION (OFF of the anti-fibrotic medication, yeah, no additional fibrosis growth WITHOUT medication, that’s a miracle in itself). And the pulmonary rehab that I’ve been doing since mid-February has made me much more conditioned. I walked the FARTHEST I have EVER walked during the 6 minute walk test. Yes, the farthest distance in the 26 months I’ve been going to the Cleveland Clinic. And not by a mere few feet – 120 feet! That week I also got my approval letter from the social security administration APPROVING my disability claim. Not 5 months like normal but 5 weeks from mailing it in! And two weeks later I celebrated my 55th birthday, my third since my diagnosis. Three years ago I wasn’t sure I would even still be alive but I am, I’ve just learned to adjust – time and time and time again.