Spring is both a time of sadness yet a new found appreciation for God and his creation for me. After my initial evaluation for transplant I slip into a depression, morning drives to work are the worst because I am alone and it is silent, a deafening silent where all I can here are my negative thoughts and many drives are spent filled with tears from the moment I leave my driveway. I notice that I have to change my mindset or I am going to go to a very dark place, one from which I may not return so I start a Christian music station on my Pandora. I don’t listen to much Christian music other than at my parents’ home. I grew up with gospels and hymns in church but I haven’t been to church in over 15 years but there are a few artists I know about so I plug them in just for a start. Well, the more I listen, the more grateful I become, in spite of my situation. The more grateful I become the more I notice things to be grateful for. One particular morning as I’m driving to work I notice the trees are beginning to bud/bloom but I’ve never noticed the colors before, the pink and white blossoms were vibrant, almost glowing and the ground is speckled with purple and yellow from the early spring flowers, the sun is shining and this song begins to play and the lyrics just go through my soul (Good Day by Forrest Frank)
“I’m ’bout to have a good day, no matter what they say, Sun is shining down on me, birds are singing praise. I’m ’bout to have a good day, in every single way. The God who made the universe knows me by my name so it’s a good day.”
This is when I decide that I AM going to have a good day – despite my troubles and sadness – and I was going to find reasons to have more “good days” from here on out. And God didn’t disappoint – He gave me a solar eclipse in April and the northern lights in May. Once-in-a-lifetime events and He provided them for ME (and yes, that is how I felt then, I was a little self-centered). He was giving me opportunities to acknowledge and experience His creation. I don’t know the statistics on experiencing either of these events in a lifetime but I’m sure it’s rare – and I just got to experience them BOTH from my own yard in a two months span. If someone could crunch the numbers on the probability of that happening I would be very interested to know what it is.
The rest of the spring is spent attending as much of my grandkids events as possible and signing up for the PFF walk in Pittsburg set for July with my family, so I start walking more and more because I want to WALK not just go. I need to be able to do 2 miles (I haven’t done more than 1 since last August). Friends and family have been so supportive and generous and have donated over $1000 to the PFF for ongoing research on behalf of my family team. As far as my grandkids’ events, there’s dance, softball and flag football. I just wanted to enjoy being a Nana – I may not be able to be the active Nana I wish I could be but that doesn’t take away my desire to be with them, encourage them, support them, love them. As a parent I was always too busy managing it all that I wasn’t enjoying it. God gave me a second chance through my grandkids so I’m going to sit back and enjoy this time around.
I also celebrated another anniversary, another birthday and another Mother’s day. I remember how scared I was at this time last year that I wasn’t sure how many more of these I would get. I can’t say that I’m still not scared but it’s no longer at the forefront of my mind – now it’s more of a gentle reminder to enjoy each day and when I’m struggling to find something to enjoy to sit and REMEMBER. Remember the fear, the anxiety and how far I’ve come. Remember each struggle and how we adapted to overcome. Remember how family and friends supported and loved and cared for me. Remember to count my blessings for I already have so much to enjoy. (I will post the lyrics to another favorite of mine under the Faith tab, unless I can figure out how to post the actual song – which I doubt). I also tried to upload a video of the solar eclipse but it was too long and I don’t know what I’m doing,
