Today’s post will jump around a bit because I did forget to write about something that I find important in my journey, not so much because of how it affects me but because of how it affected my son. I knew that I was going to start forgetting things in the order that they occurred now that I no longer have journal entries to go off of (which I will be remedying as I am going to be starting those again so that I have my true feelings down on paper when I get to the present – we have a ways to get to today). Unfortunately, you my readers may have to be accustomed to my random thoughts as they occur however until we get the next two years covered – sorry. Anyways, the first part of today’s post was triggered because of the second so bear with me.
August 2023, prior to K’s accident in Sept., my son went to Niagara Falls with his girlfriend at the time and her family – I believe for an over-night stay ? – but NOT the point. Upon their arrival I received a call that some health issues had transpired in her family which prompted my son and his girlfriend to get tested for Covid – low and behold they were positive. My son called and said they were in the middle of gathering up a week’s worth of his clothes and personal items and scrubbing down everything they touched with Clorox wipes – he would go to their home to quarantine for the week – and with that he broke down over the phone. He was so stressed that he may have just brought Covid in to my home but he didn’t know what else to do. He was so scared, you could hear it thru the phone. I tried to reassure him that the few minutes that he spent getting his things would be fine and that they were doing all the right things – wearing gloves and masks, cleaning surfaces – but again it’s that feeling of “what if I’m the ONE”, and my poor family feel it every time they get a sniffle, a scratchy throat, start to feel the slightest bit warm. My husband has slept on the couch numerous nights “just in case” or kisses me now “on the forehead” because intimacy spreads germs. My children wear masks in my home just out of precaution because they have a slight throat tickle. I’ve missed baseball games and soccer games because parents weren’t feeling 100% and it was “for the best” that I not be there. It’s funny how love and consideration for me made me feel so alienated back then. Intentions were in the right place but at the time all it did was remind me that I was sick and just made me feel more alone.
Now, for the second part of the post we will need to switch gears a bit. My last post I wrote about my grandson’s K car accident. At the end of it I wrote about being angry I couldn’t help in a time of crisis but that getting him home allowed me to let go of the anger – did you notice that I also said GUILT? Today, I’ll explain why I had guilt.
Prior to the accident we had planned to take our middle daughter and our youngest granddaughter, C to Niagara Falls where her uncle had just been. Our middle daughter is a single mom who works part time in a bakery while raising her daughter on her own. Needless to say she doesn’t make a lot of money – not nearly enough to enjoy things like trips, so we planned a small weekend. Well, K’s accident happened on Friday afternoon before said weekend. With his femur surgery performed the night before and not yet realizing the gravity of the bleed in his spleen when had a family discussion, including K’s mom, and with her blessing decided to still go to Niagara Falls but just to make it an even shorter trip. We still got to do a lot, even got C to ride the Maid of the Mist, and I think she enjoyed her first real “trip”, but man did I have some Nana guilt. I felt like I had chosen one grandchild over another – and in a way I did. But I kept trying to tell myself that we went with his mother’s blessing and he had better visitors that night anyways. (see the last photo)
I’m not really sure why I felt compelled to write about the Niagara Falls trip in my health blog – some will say it has nothing to do with my lung health – but it does have to do with my mental health. I’m also trying to show how my deteriorating physical health impacts every decision I make in my life. So maybe you may not understand the point of this one particular post but keep reading and hopefully each post with eventually come together and everyone will be touched by something I’ve said.
