Tragedy has struck (Sept 15, 2023) one of my greatest fears came to life today when my oldest called – thru her tears and controlled panic I was able to understand that our oldest grandson, K, had been in a terrible car accident and she was asking for us to come sit with the two youngest grandchildren so that she could join our SIL and be with their son. Honestly, this whole night is pretty much a blur. I don’t remember too many specifics, I just remember trying to keep two young kids distracted while praying diligently inside for their brother and their parents. Trying desperately to maintain a calmness on the outside while on the inside your heart is breaking.
K had sustained an open left femur fracture which need surgery and had some bleeding in his spleen that they would monitor. He had a titanium rod inserted into the marrow portion of the femur along with plates and screws to hold the femur together. In the coming days however, he would need a procedure to stop the bleeding in his spleen. I think if you ever were to ask him he would say that was the worst part as he woke up during the procedure and says he could feel it all. How horrible
I included this story in my own health blog for two reasons – 1) obviously because K is a special person in my life, he is the one who made me Nana but, 2) because I wanted to show the effect that this illness had on my ability to help my daughter and her family in a time of crisis. Because I’m at risk for infection I have to weigh the pros/cons of everything I do so I didn’t go to the hospital – my daughter said K wouldn’t have wanted me to see him that way anyhow but if I was healthy there would have been no question, Nana would have been there, at least ONCE. Because I get fatigued easily I didn’t have energy to sit with the younger ones after work, make meals, take care of their dog, Jett – NOTHING. I did absolutely NOTHING to help them out in their time of need. I felt WORTHLESS. And THAT made me ANGRY.
Anger has reared it’s head from time to time before this because of this whole situation because I’ve done nothing to bring this on. I just happen to have an autoimmune disease. My OWN body is trying to kill me. But I also know that anger isn’t going to help so I HAVE to let it go because if I let it consume me then I let it win.
Getting K home from the hospital allows me to let it go, to let the anger and guilt go. When I saw his smiling face my heart was no longer breaking, now it was mending just like him and I was no longer WORTHLESS – I was simply NANA.
